


Am in Arm

by ShinyShimaron



Category: Kyou Kara Maou!
Genre: Amputation, Crack, Drugs, Gen, Horror, Humor, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-01-17
Updated: 2011-01-17
Packaged: 2017-10-14 20:09:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/152993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShinyShimaron/pseuds/ShinyShimaron
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Once again, Conrad's arm has gone missing… and once again, he must find it and bring the nefarious arm-snatcher to justice.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Arm of Lies

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Kyou Kara Maou or its characters.
> 
> Warnings: Some violence, swearing, amputated limbs, dragon spit roast, Josak in granny panties. Oh and drug use.
> 
> A/N: The idea for this story was created by pyrrhic_victoly on fanfiction.net. This is my submission for the fic-a-thon I created about a month ago involving Conrad losing his arm.

Conrad lay in bed, smiling up at the ceiling. The morning sun shone through the window across the room, creating patterns on the walls. He watched them, relaxed, without a care in the world. He was chewing bubble gum. Naked.

"What are you thinking about?" asked Doria the maid dreamily, her arm draped across his chest. Conrad slipped an arm behind her back and said nothing.

"Doria, stop hogging him! It's my turn to ask a question," scolded Lasagna the other maid, who had her arms wrapped around Conrad's stomach.

"Now now, ladies, there's enough of me for the both of you," Conrad chuckled. Then he blew a bubble and popped it.

"What are we going to do today, Sir Weller?" asked Lasagna lovingly, running a finger across his belly-button.

"I don't know. Guard stuff I guess."

"That's no fun! Hey, we should go on a picnic!"

"Yeah, you're maids or some shit, right? You can cook."

"That sounds like fun!" came the muffled voice of Sangria from under the covers. "Let's do that!"

Conrad took the chewed gum out of his mouth and placed in lovingly in Sangria's hair.

"Sounds like a plan."

So Conrad headed out to the fields with his lovely trio of lovers. It was a beautiful, sunny day. Flowers were blooming, and rays of sunlight had fried every ant within a three-mile radius to a crisp. It was the perfect day for a picnic!

After their meal was over, they decided to top it off with a romantic frolic in the grass! Arm in arm, Conrad skipped across the meadow while the maids fought for a place at his side.

"I get to hold Conrad's arm! It's my turn!"

"You always get to hold his arm! I want to now!"

"Let go and let me hold it, you tavern wenches!" Soon they were pulling and tugging at Conrad's arm while he looked down at them, confused.

Suddenly, there was a loud POP! Lasagna fell to the ground and looked up.

"Lasagna, what is in your hand?" asked Doria, her voice shaking. Lasagna looked at her hand.

"It's… Conrad's arm," she said, nonplussed.

" _It isn't attached to his body_!" shrieked Sangria, running in circles to express her mortification.

"Oh yeah," said Conrad, "I forgot that I lost my arm again a couple of weeks ago. That's just a prosthetic."

"You have a fake arm and _you forgot about it_?" asked Doria.

"Well, yeah, it happens all the time," said Conrad, nursing the hole where his real arm should be.

"What happened to your real one?" asked Lasagna, holding up his prosthetic arm and wincing.

"Hmm, I can't remember. Was it removed by ninjas? No, that was another time. Gee, I really can't remember. I think I was pretty drunk when it happened."

"But shouldn't you go looking for it?"

"I don't know, Sanguria, shouldn't you be _doing my laundry_?" Conrad had a point. It was her turn to do the laundry. So they all headed back to the castle, Conrad's fake arm tucked under his real arm. It was just another sunny day at Blood Pledge Castle.


	2. Who Stole Conrad's Arm?

Yuuri was in his office, pretending to work. It was boring.

"If only some beautiful voluptuous woman would enter the room and place the key to her heart in front of me!" he thought wistfully. Apparently he was horny.

The door opened, and into the room strode not a beautiful woman but Conrad, who instead of the key to his heart dropped his arm on top of Yuuri's desk and sat down in a chair, nonchalantly.

"Huh?" asked Yuuri, looking down. Then he realized what it was.

"Aaaaah! Conrad, your arm! It's on my desk! Aaaaaaah!" This was a turn-off for Yuuri.

"Whatever, it's not even real," said Conrad.

"But your arm is missing! If it isn't real then where is your real arm?"

Conrad shrugged. "I was hoping you would help me find out."

Suddenly Wolfram burst into the room so fast that he knocked the door off its hinges.

"Yuuri! Does your disrespect know no bounds, making love in your office with someone-" He noticed the arm.

"What kind of depraved sexual act are you performing with my brother's arm?"

"It's not Conrad's arm, it's a fake arm!" protested Yuuri.

Wolfram crossed his arms. "Even so, that's pretty sick. You disgust me sometimes."

"It's just sitting on my desk, I wasn't doing anything!"

"Wolfram, His Majesty was not having sex with my prosthetic arm. I was simply asking him to help me find my real arm again."

Wolfram rolled his eyes. "Oh, you lost it again? Can't you keep track of these things?"

"Cocaine is a hell of a drug, Wolfram."

Wolfram nodded in agreement.

"So," said Yuuri, "What do you remember from the night you lost your arm, Conrad?"

"Cocaine is a hell of a drug, Yuuri."

Wolfram nodded in agreement again.

"Well, do you remember where you were or what you were going to do?"

Conrad thought for a minute. "No… but I think I know who to ask!"

So the three of them marched on to pay a visit to Josak Gurrier. If anyone knew what Conrad did when he was completely stoned out of his mind, it was Josak.

Yuuri knocked on the door of his room in the castle barracks.

"Josak! I need you for a minute!" called Conrad.

"Just a minute, Captain! I'm almost read for yooou!" came Josak's voice from the room. He whipped open the door and posed. He was wearing granny panties and a sports bra. And nothing else.

"Oh, Your Majesty, you've decided to join us?" he asked. Yuuri's jaw dropped.

"Sorry Josak, no time for that now," said Conrad, "We need to ask you a few questions."

"That's no fun," Josak pouted, slipping on a purple robe and sitting in a chair, placing his feet crossed on a table.

"We need you to tell us what happened the night Conrad got high," said Yuuri.

Josak thought for a minute. "You need to be more specific."

"The night Conrad lost his arm."

"More specific…"

"The most recent instance of Conrad doing crack and losing his arm."

"You know, I do seem to vaguely remember a recent experience…" said Josak, "It was a dark and stormy night, two weeks ago…"

 _Indeed, it was a dark and stormy night._

"The Captain and I were here in this room, getting ready to crash a wedding."

 _Josak wore a fabulous white wedding gown that would surely outshine any gown the bride would be wearing. He was applying lipstick in the mirror. Conrad was wearing his best formal military attire. He was adjusting his collar._

"Wait, why were you two crashing a wedding?" asked Yuuri.

"Because we're two _wild and crazy guys_ , that's why."

 _The wedding-gowned Josak giggled in the mirror. Formal-attired Conrad pulled a pearl necklace out of his pocket and put it around Josak's neck._

"That was nice of you, Conrad," said Wolfram.

"So then, we headed to the wedding. It was supposed to be an outdoor wedding but due to the rain, the party had to hold it in a local tavern instead."

 _Bright lights shone through the tavern windows. Inside drunken louts laughed and staggered across the room, while the ladies of the wedding party attempted to avoid their projectile vomit. Josak fluttered from person to person, complimenting the women on their dresses and hair. Conrad sat at a table in the corner with a gigantic keg of ale, waving around his drunken fists at anyone who dared to come near._

"I was the life of the party! Everyone thought I was amazing!"

"But how did Conrad lose his arm?"

"Well, it happened when they were giving wedding speeches. The bride and groom insisted that I give a speech because I was so popular."

 _Josak stood, beaming, with a wine glass in hand. He gave a beautiful speech about the bride and broom, despite knowing nothing whatsoever about them._

"Suddenly, they all turned into bears!"

"What?"

"They were bears the whole time! The whole wedding had been a ruse to try to assassinate me and the Captain!"

 _The formally-attired bears surrounded Josak and Conrad, growling and snarling. Josak pulled a sword from between his fake breasts. He looked back at Conrad. Conrad didn't have a sword, but he had his fists! He was ready to punch some bears to death._

"Wow, so what happened?"

"We were fighting the bears in an epic ursine battle to the death! I had killed five and Conrad had likely killed countless more… but it quickly became apparent what the bears really wanted."

 _"They want my arm!" cried Conrad drunkenly from the corner where he was bravely defending the keg of ale. "You stupid bear bastards won't be getting my arm! You suck!"_

"So what did he do?"

 _"Captain!" Josak cried, tossing his sword to Conrad, who caught it between his teeth._

 _"Beeeears!" yelled Conrad, "You will never get that which you seek!"_

"Then he chopped off his arm and threw it out the window."

"Why?"

Conrad shrugged. "It's a nervous tic. It runs in the Weller family."

"So that is how Conrad lost his arm this most recent time."

"Actually, Josak, that's not the right story," said Conrad, "I found my arm out back in a dumpster the next day."

"Whoopsie! Well then, I'm not sure how Conrad lost his arm this time, then."

Wolfram facepalmed.

"Wait! I think I'm remembering something…" said Conrad.

"What is it?" asked Yuuri.

"It was the day after the bear wedding…"

 _Conrad was drunkenly walking back to Blood Pledge Castle, his real arm tucked under his real arm. Suddenly, he looked up into the sky. There was Pochi!_

 _"Hi, Pochi!" Conrad yelled, holding his detached arm and waving it around to attract the dragon._

 _Pochi spotted him and landed on the ground. Conrad held out his detached arm for Pochi to sniff._

 _"Cool, huh? Wanna see something cooler?" He placed the detached arm back in the socket where it should be. A golden light glowed for a second and it was attached, good as new. Pochi clearly enjoyed the display, but he had more important business to attend to. Tied to one of his scales was a bag. He pointed to it. Conrad reached up and untied it, looking inside._

 _"Why, it's a shitload of cocaine!" exclaimed Conrad, "Pochi, are you going through a rebellious teenage stage?"_

 _Pochi nodded. He was selling drugs to pay for dragon college._

 _"You want me to buy this crack?" Pochi nodded again._

 _Conrad thought for a minute. "Well, I don't have any cash on me… wait! I know!" He pulled out Josak's sword and detached his newly-attached arm. It fell to the ground with a thud, bloody and gross._

 _"Here, you take this arm as an IOU. When I get done doing all this cocaine I'll bring you cash and trade it for my arm back!"_

 _Pochi stood there, bewildered. But he seemed to accept the terms of the deal, picked up the arm, and flew away._

 _"Yeah, I think that was a pretty good deal!" said Conrad._

"And that's how it happened."

Everyone sat in silence.

"What the fuck kind of crazy world is this?" asked Yuuri.

"Nevermind that now," said Conrad seriously, "Now I must repay my debt. Time to go buy my real arm back! Wanna come Yuuri?"

"Don't get mixed up in this kind of deal, Yuuri. Cocaine is a hell of a drug!" said Wolfram.

Josak nodded in agreement.

Conrad flashed an irresistible smile. "You'll get to see dragons!"

Yuuri perked up. "Dragons? Awesome let's go!"

"Works every time."


	3. Death to Pochi

The intrepid adventurers hacked through the forest, heading towards moody Pochi's lair. Soon they saw the entrance. They knew the cave belonged to Pochi due to the massive amounts of smoke billowing from its mouth.

"He goes through ten tons of marijuana each day," said Conrad knowledgably. Yuuri and Wolfram oohed and aahed, impressed.

"Oy, Pochi!" called Yuuri, waving and jumping up and down. "Come out, Conrad is here to get his arm back!"

There came a growl from the cave. Pochi emerged, the big blue dragon, now hardened and slowed as a result of the drug use.

"Hello, Pochi!" said Conrad, "I've brought you the money I owed you. Can I get my arm back now?"

Pochi shook his head. Conrad's eyes narrowed.

"You do not want to cross me, Pochi. Why won't you give me my arm back?"

Pochi pulled out the arm from a nearby bush and cradled it. Clearly, he was in love.

"While it is understandable that you would grow attached to my arm, since I am so awesome… it can only be attached to me!" He flashed a smile. Pochi was not impressed by this play on words.

"Come on, Pochi, give Conrad his arm back. You had a deal." chimed in Yuuri. Pochi shook his head. Then he licked the arm.

"That better be all you're doing with that thing," said Josak, "Or I think I'm gonna hurl."

"This is a dangerous path to go down, dragon. Will you really not return my arm?"

Pochi swallowed the arm.

"Well I guess that settles it," said Josak.

Conrad's hand moved to the hilt of his sword.

"I suppose… it does." He drew it.

What ensued was a battle of epic proportions. The smoke from Pochi's flames blotted own the sun. At one point, Conrad lost his shirt. Then he lost his pants. But he still fought, in only his underwear and his ugly brown boots, sword swinging wildly and the crazed arm-eating dragon. The others could only watch in amazement at what was happening before them.

Finally, Pochi reared up in the sky and went down for the kill.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" yelled Conrad dramatically.

"Roooooooar!" roared Pochi equally as dramatically.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaah!" yelled Conrad even more dramatically.

"Rooooooooooar!" roared Pochi in what was quite possibly the most dramatic way possible.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Conrad gave a final dramatic, badass yell, and skewered Pochi in the heart. Pochi fell to the ground, dead. Then Conrad opened his belly and took out the arm, reattaching it.

"Justice has been served," he said, dramatically. Everyone stared down at Pochi's body.

"Wow, it's kind of sad that he's gone," said Yuuri.

"And yet, on the other hand, it really isn't," said Wolfram wisely.

"Looks like Pochi has become the poach-ee!" exclaimed Conrad!

Everyone had a good belly laugh. Conrad chopped down a tree, made it into a giant spit, and roasted the dragon, making jerky for all. So in the end, it was a win-win for everyone, really. Even Pochi. Because who wouldn't want to be eaten by Conrad?


End file.
